If TV Restaurants Were Reviewed On Yelp

(Published on Nerve)

 
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CENTRAL PERK – 4 STARS
Total hidden gem. Great ambiance and a killer macchiato, but my favorite part is how you’re actually in Burbank the whole time!

Lattes: $3.50
What I Paid Those Six People to Move For a Second Just So I Could See What The Couches Felt Like: $60
Crushed Velvet Against My Thighs: Priceless

Definitely coming back. Stay tuned for The One Where I Order a Doubleshot!

 
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THE ICEHOUSE – 4 STARS

Good oysters are hard to find. So hard, in fact, that I’m willing to put up with a wait staff paralyzed by pubescent hormones.

Happy Hour is packed with Wilmington locals, all of whom have piercing blue eyes and modeling contracts. To avoid the crowd, I come just before close — when I’m hungry, I Don’t Wanna Wait.

 

BLUTH BANANA STAND – 4 STARS

This place is good. You know— not so good that it’s hard to believe this review was written by an actual customer, but still very good. Notice how I am being both complimentary and vague! Because how would I, a mere casual patron, have acquired the vocabulary to discuss the specifics of a dessert kiosk?

I’ll tell you one thing—the owner is honest, a real stand-up guy. He would never send his son to post a Yelp review. That type of behavior sickens him. But definitely not in a food poisoning kind of way.

 

VESUVIO – 3 STARS

They got my order wrong. Not happy about it. Plan on coming back heavy — Artie’s a good guy, but I eat seafood salad for no man.

INN AT THE CROSSROADS – 3 STARS

Can’t make up my mind about the atmosphere here. Some days it’s stuffy and morbid, others it’s rustic and quaint. Totally depends on the smell (which depends on the body count).

Seems like that Warm Pie dude is always the one to take my order. Boy, is he a talker — I make a point to only speak in High Valerian, and yet he never takes the hint. I’m usually just seconds away from ripping out his vocal chords when he brings over that famous kidney pie for me to focus on. Say what you will about the kid — he’s a good cook. And he’s got great timing.

It’s not perfect, but it’s the only Inn on the Kingsroad for a while. Nomadic ruffians can’t be choosers.

One tip: Be sure to get the Winter Ale—not too hoppy; pairs well with imminent castration.

 
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GOODBURGER – 1 STAR

The most terrifying fast food experience I’ve ever had. Something I ate (think it was the “milky shake?”) caused me to hallucinate a studio audience, a completely unwarranted film option, and a surprisingly long career for Kenan Thompson. Fries were good, though.

 

MACLAREN’S PUB – 3 STARS

Usually I love a bar with a full kitchen, but this place didn’t do it for me. Not that I expected the Best Burger in New York or anything.

Super mainstream draft selection, but that’s a good thing — you wouldn’t be here unless super mainstream was what you wanted. Never any music playing, but it’s whatever. And I’ve heard you can BYOSandwiches (wink, wink).

I went with a group of girls, and just before we left, this kooky, theatrical dude started hitting on us. All of us. Simultaneously. Then we found out MacLaren’s was out of dessert. So I guess that was the problem—I didn’t love the ending.